Stressin' About Showers

If you think throwing a shower is easy, think again

By Timothy R. Schulte

Formulaically, bridal showers are easy. Food, drinks, gifts, done. Logistically, they are easier said than done.

At least that is what I found out when trying to broker a shower between the women contingents from both my family (mom, sister, sisters-in-law) and my fiancée’s (my future mother- and sisters-in-law).

The nexus of the problem was when to have a shower. I live about six hours from my hometown, where my mom, sister and one of my sisters-in-law live, so when shower chatter started around Easter, I immediately began thinking this summer would be a good time. My – our – wedding is in April 2010. And if I am driving home for Thanksgiving and Christmas, I am not too eager to do so again in January or February (who knows what the winter roads will look like?), and March and April will be busy enough as it is. Plus, a couple handfuls of weekends are negated throughout the task of coordinating the schedules of eight or so people … So that is how I figured on the summer would be easiest.

Perhaps I was naïve because my sister, though, was not having it. “Too early.” “Tacky.” “It needs to at least be after the New Year.”

These are not the type of phone calls you want to start at 10 p.m. on a Tuesday.

We eventually, quasi-amicably, agreed to an October date, but I still wanted to figure out who was right in this matter. So I called the Emily Post Institute, hoping to get a definitive answer on whether I was accurate or amiss in my reasoning.

“You’re both right,” said Anna Post, the great-great-granddaughter of Emily Post and author of “Do I Have to Wear White?” (Collins, 2009). “It is on the early side, but if you have reasons why you’re doing it then that is more important than some arbitrary date on the wedding calendar.

“As long as you’re on the same page … I hope that everyone can be flexible,” she added.

Part-right is better than totally wrong, I guess, but Post did say that, technically, my sister was right in that we were on the early side.

Really, there’s no set rule, Post said. Showers can take place from a couple months out of the wedding to help build some momentum up to the big day, but just don’t want to have it too close, either. In terms of travel, if you have lots of bridesmaids traveling, a modern trend is to do combo bachelorette party/shower weekends.

Here are a few other shower-etiquette tips from Post:

• The bride’s mom or sister generally don’t host a shower, but it’s OK nowadays.

• Bridesmaids are not required to host a shower.

• You can have more than one shower, but you shouldn’t invite the same guests for more than once.

• You can’t invite someone to a shower and then not invite them to the wedding – office showers being the exception.

• Some people play games or have a theme, but it’s up to you.

• Depending on how much travel is involved, send out invites three to six weeks in advance; Post usually recommends a month.

• It’s OK to put registry info on an enclosure in the invite, just keep it off the shower invite itself.

Avoiding Aunt Mildred's You-Know-What List!

Still sporting your golden tan from honeymooning in paradise, the last thing on your mind is wedding etiquette. But waiting to send a thank you note twelve months after "I do" could end you up on Aunt Mildred's you-know-what list.

Thank you notes should be written ASAP. For gifts and parties given before the wedding, it is expected to send a note within two weeks. Gifts received after the wedding are allotted a more generous time span, but should be sent no later than two months after the event.

Here are a few more pointers:

1. Thank you notes should be handwritten and sent in the mail. Save email, blog posts, e-cards and Facebook for casual correspondence.

2. Your thank you notes don't need to be long. Three or four sentences are plenty. Be sure to mention the gift and how you plan to use it, though avoid specifying dollar amounts unless you want Aunt Mildred spreading rumors about how tacky the new bride is. For financial gifts, explain how you plan to use the money. Do not mention if you plan to return the gift, or worse, stow it away in a dark closet!

3. Thank you cards should be personal. While it may be tempting, fill-in-the-blank templates, form letters, or generic pre-printed cards with your signature should be avoided. Even though you might save time, keep in mind that your gift-giver took the time to buy your gift, wrap it, and arrange for it to be delivered. It doesn't hurt to show the same courtesy.

4. Waiting for custom-made thank you cards with your photo shouldn't cause a delay. If you plan to have custom-made cards, plan ahead with your photographer and/or stationer.

- Melissa L Hickman